A Rather Silly Story involving Zombies: A Working Title
"I need you to go to the store and buy all the tortillas."
"What?", replied Sam. What is the second word in the popular series of interrogative words who, what, when, where, and why. Any of which being an appropriate response to any command given during the television broadcast claiming that the first Zombie Apocalypse was underway. This claim was however based upon poor research, and was therefore completely bull.
The First Zombie 'Apocalypse' was in a small village just thirty minutes from the Sussex. It was deftly ended by the infamous sheep farmer, George Berrington. He did so by giving them a good telling off for riling up his sheep and then having them in for a cup of tea. Interestingly enough, to this day George is still known as the infamous sheep farmer.
     Josh was Sam's best friend, and his dream had just come true. Josh left home at the age of sixteen to dedicate his life to bringing upon the Zombie Apocalypse and then kicking ass through said apocalypse. Josh did this because his mother's first love was her fifteen dogs. In her mind he existed right between her teacup poodles, yipyip and snuggles. It was therefore not surprising that Josh, like his mother would become completely obsessed about something strange, off the wall, and just down right silly. For Josh's mother it was dogs, for Josh the Zombie Apocalypse. Josh strode over to a military green weapons locker, and pulled out a giant fucking sledgehammer. He like to think that it would make his Viking ancestors jealous.
     "I said, I need you to go to the store and buy all the tortillas."
     Sam's cognitive powers at this moment weren't being used to figure out why Josh needed tortillas, or even what he was doing with the gigantic hammer. They were instead delegated to the conversation he and his father had before his father's disappearance years ago. After carefully examining the conversation and contrasting it with several factors including a few completely pointless ones. Therefore, in the super irrational and highly illogical way our brains process information, Sam realized that in no uncertain terms he had to go see his mom.
Sam stepped up the weapons locker and pulled out a broom. He turned to face Josh, and slammed the end of the broom down, forcing the bristles to pop out at all sorts of awkward angles.
     "Josh, we're going to my mother's house."
     "Sam, the staves are to the left, you're holding my broom."
     Sam threw the broom back into the weapons locker with the same level of anger of a ancient Chinese warlord. He would have scared small children if any were currently present.
"Why the fuck do you have a broom in the weapons locker."
    "This house doesn't have a broom closet."
     Josh deeply regretted this fact, for he had always wanted to have a nice broom closet. He had however made the purchase based only on the fact that it was easily fortifiable and would be a breeze to defend against the zombie hordes.
    "Look Josh, it's about a half- hour drive. We better get started." Sam crossed the room, put on his coat, and headed for the door.
     Josh intercepted Sam at the door. He placed his hands on Sam's shoulders, holding him in place.
     "Sam we can't do that. We can not drive a half a hour through the zombie-infested city to see your mother. We are going to sit back down and be rational about this."
     Sam twisted his body, ripping Josh's hands from his shoulders. Sam pulled his keys out of his pocket.
"You want to be rational? You want me to be rational? Fine. When my dad left I was ten. He then proceeded to tell me that one day I would have to decide wether or not to follow him and forsake the world or stay and protect it."
Josh nodded as he stood adamant.
"Then the bastard told me that it would be when the zombies showed up. I thought I was the goddamn chosen one. He was a crazy man Josh, just fucking crazy."
"Sort of like John Connor in the second Terminator?"
"Yea." Sam brought his hand up to his head, as if to hold the memories back. "So, now I'm not sure if he was crazy or not. So I am going outside, I am getting in the car and I am driving to my mothers house."
Josh let out a long sigh, and refused to let himself deliberate on the matter.
     "Alright man, I'm down. But we drive there, and back. No stopping for anything bu-" Just then, their car exploded.
     "What the fuck was that?!" Josh spun around, wrenched the door open and slammed his body into the screen door sending it whipping around its hinges. The surprised duo stared at the fireball that just a few seconds ago had been their car, as it rolled off the hill, past them and down the street.
     "That was our car." Sam mentioned, stating the obvious.
     Josh looked in amazement at their car as it tumbled down the street. He slapped Sam's arm, getting his attention, "I bet it was the Zombies."
     It wasn't the zombies. In fact it happened several thousand years ago, several thousand light years away. The primary star of a rather "mom and pop" sort of solar system had super novaed, sending out massive amounts of radiation. This radiation traveled all the way to the Milky Way, bouncing this way and that, off Saturn and Jupiter, until it finally collided with Earth's atmosphere. Many waves of the radiation simply bounced back out into space. Several others passed through our ionosphere and dissipated harmlessly in our air. However one wave in particular plowed its way through our ionosphere, resisted dissipation and passed through Sam and Josh's car a mere second ago.
     Sam walked along the trail of debris leading to the main fraction of the car where it rested leaning against a blue minivan several houses down. He pushed the steering wheel around with his foot. He turned his back to the car, facing Josh and gave a mild shrug. "Well, I guess we're walking."
     Josh chuckled to himself, knowing that he was about to agree to walk along zombie-infested streets. He walked over to Sam and placed his hand on his shoulder.
     "Well, we better get started then. I'm gonna go grab my coat." Josh took two steps towards his house when his brain processed a noise so magnificent, so breath taking, that Josh had no choice but to let out tears of joy.
     "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the zombie shrieked, as he stood silhouetted by the setting sun. The zombie charged forward, his face a twisted snarl.
     Josh wiped the tears away from his face, lifted his hammer and waited for the zombie. Not a second later Josh swung the massive hammer into the zombie's head, separating half of its jaw from his face. The zombie stumbled backwards several steps before succumbing to gravity and falling on its back. Josh followed through, burying half the hammer's head in the sickly yellow lawn. He looked over his shoulder at Sam.
     "That was fucking awesome."
     The zombie slowly stood up while Josh wrenched his hammer from the ground, not intending to  fix the divot. The Zombie reached up and ripped the remains of his jaw from his face, dropping them to the ground.
     "OOHHHAAAAA." The zombie moaned, as if to say, "Is that all you've got?"
     Josh responded by simply panicking. He dropped his hammer and scuttled backwards. Sam's cognitive powers wasted no time. Sam snatched up the mangled steering wheel and threw it right into the zombie's throat. The steering wheel flipped end over end into the zombie's hands. The zombie  pondered on the steering wheel and began steering around. Josh stood up.
     "What is it doing?" Josh walked over and picked his hammer off the lawn.
     "I dunno. He's not doing much of anything really." Sam began to wipe his hands on his pants.
      "ARRROOUU." The zombie yelled. He placed his right hand into the center of the steering wheel several times.
     "I think someone just cut him off." Josh circled around the zombie.
     "I dunno man, that just sounds weird." Sam moved closer, watching the zombie as a smile spread across his face.
     It was weird. The exact reason that the zombie began reliving his drive home was clearly defined years later by a influential German scientist. He had this to say on the matter.
"Well first of all in order to understand zombies we must understand that they were our neighbors, our grocers, our friends, and our family members. Through the zombie's portrayal of their life we can tell that they regret their current position in life. They long to be human once more, now this also connects their hunger for human flesh. And well, hey, you are what you eat, right?"
"Then again, I'm not exactly a zombie expert myself." Sam stuffed his hands in his pockets, and cautiously retreated.
Josh took a deep breath and heaved the hammer up over his head.
"Well, time to say good night."
"You have got to be shitting me!" Sam ripped his hands out of his pockets, sending them flying upward in protest.
"What?" Josh froze mid swing.
"Time to say good night? Josh this isn't a bad movie with terrible one liners." Sam circled around the zombie so he could face Josh. Completely turning his back on the surprisingly silent zombie horde. "Not to mention, he's not trying to kill us anymore. We should just get the fuck out of here."
"I have been waiting all my life to smash this zombie's skull in. I have been waiting all my life to send wet zombie skull fragments flying into the air." Josh unfroze and set the hammer's head on the ground by his feet. "All my life. All my life."
For exactly one hundredth of , Josh looked to the left of Sam's head, revealing the zombie horde shambling its way up the street.
"Look I'm not saying that you can't kill any zombies I'm just saying that maybe it should be in self-defense instead of cold blood." Sam shifted his weight to his left foot, moving his head exactly one hundred and twenty three millimeters. This minute action allowed Josh to witness the horde again, sending him into action.
"Sweet!" Josh lifted his hammer up.
"There is a zombie horde behind me isn't there?"
Josh simply nodded.
Sam glanced back at the zombie horde. The zombies froze, their jaws dropped and several of them simply fell apart. Sam turned back towards Josh.
"No, we're leaving." Sam grabbed Josh's arm and pulled him away from the growing zombie horde. He leaned into the hill, dragging Josh up the increasingly vertical terrain.
"Come on Sam just one." Josh squirmed, trying desperately to get out of Sam's grip.
"No."
The zombie horde, being thoroughly embarrassed about being spotted, went off to try and sneak up on some other unsuspecting humans.
Sam and Josh walked down a residential street lighted by the yellow glow of the street lamps and the occasional porch light. The asphalt grated against the bottom of their shoes. The houses faded away to businesses and parking lots. Josh looked around at the buildings recognizing none of them.
"Sam." Josh pulled his hammer close to his chest, as a young child would with a  teddy bear.
"Yea?"
"What plan of action are you currently taking?"
"What?"
"Are you following plan F of the Zombie Apocalypse pamphlet?"
"I don't know man."
"You've never taken this seriously and now look your non-chalice is going to get us killed!"
"I'm headed to the hardware store down here to get some flashlights and you a goddamn coat!"
A scream shot into the air, reaching a crescendo before it came crashing back down.
"I'm sorry Sam. I am getting pretty cold."
"Its alright man." Sam dug his fingers into his scalp, relieving the slight annoyance of a itch. He found joy in the fact that he still had control over some things.
Sam and Josh stopped at a intersection of a main street. A del taco on one corner. A bookstore across from it. A Chinese restaurant claiming the best pot stickers in town, across from it a abandoned lot.  Sam pressed the walk button on the light as he kicked a pebble into the street. He pictured it floating away, floating down a stream of asphalt.
"Sam, I know where we are. The hardware store is right down there." Josh walked out into the intersection pointing towards several spotlights slicing through the air. Suddenly as Sam joined Josh in the road, the street light came on. The four sides all blinking in unison coloring the night red for seconds at a time.
The traffic light illuminated the duo in red. Up the street four zombies appeared shuffling up the street towards the hardware store.
The traffic light died, plunging the duo into black. Sam turned around, squinting against the darkness, struggling to see anything zombie-like in appearance. Josh and his hammer stood at the ready.
The traffic light ignited, again the world would be red for another two seconds. Three zombies stepped out of the Del Taco.
"WAAARRRRHHHHH." The zombie screamed, shaking the basket of the deep fat fryer towards Sam and Josh.
Darkness.
"Josh, I have a bad feeling about this."
The light flashed red, a chorus of zombie shrieks filled the streets. Josh took two steps and then promptly swung his hammer into the closest zombie. Knocking it backwards into the dense crowd of undead. Sam strode forward and in one slightly fluid motion kick a rather short zombie in the face seriously messing its chances of ever getting a date again.
The red faded away leaving Sam and Josh in another two seconds of darkness. Several zombies took this opportunity to strike out at just about everything. Most of these zombies simply received a mouthful of the zombie closest to them, several other enjoyed a taste of their own arms, and one was moments away from Sam's neck. The same thought passed through both of their minds as the seconds ticked away towards their doom. This thought was, "Fuck!"
This zombie was Mrs. Jennifer Hill, and she had always had a unhealthy curiosity of human flesh. She had always wanted break that dreaded taboo and simply eat another person. In fact, during the rather adventurous year of 1997 she and a group of fellow aspiring cannibals went to Africa in search of the infamous Weeatyous tribe. However, on her second day in Africa Jennifer received a communiqué informing her that she had left her gas on and was now in possession of a lovely, quaint, Victorian-style house fire. For obvious reasons, she left Africa. She had nothing to show for her trip except for getting enough sun to change her skin tone to the exactly shade that more or less always failed to please the eye. That and a nice touristy African keychain with the slogan 'made in China' etched into the back.
Jennifer was seconds away from biting into Sam's juicy, warm, human, fleshy, neck when suddenly he disappeared in a flash of light. Exactly one third of a second later, Josh to disappeared in a similar fashion. Jennifer and the other zombies were baffled at how two grown adults could simply vanish. They should have launched a formal investigation into the duo's disappearance, however Jennifer and the zombies were in fact, zombies. So they wandered off into the darkness to harass some other humans.
Little did Sam and Josh know that at that very moment they were orbiting the planet earth, in a space ship equivalent to that of a 1997 Crown Victoria. Which was fairly nice in reality considering that most aliens traverse space with a floor mop and a map of Southern California.
Sam sat on a extremely fluffy lazy chair situated directly across from a similar chair where his father was sitting.
"So, how's the goddamn chosen one?" Sam's father ran his hand down his massive mustache, trying to flatten it down some.
Sam stared at his father, with one thought forming in his head. There is a awkward magnitude to my father's mustache.